apathy: sinning by sitting back

two nights ago i realized the gravity of sitting back--
of sitting back when god calls you to rise up.

i realized the danger of
i can fix this tomorrow.
it's okay right now.
maybe someone else'll stand up.

i realized the impact that doing nothing can have.
apathy is a dangerous thing. and what does sitting back say?

it says, to our brothers and sisters in christ,
hey, i might know better. you might know better, too.
we both know god's got plans. but i don't think living
a life that's pleasing to him is worth it for me or
for you right now...

it says, to our friends,
hey, i might know better.i might be blessed to
know the savior of the world, to know the cure
for death, but right now, i don't see the importance
of sharing that with you, of giving you a shot
at it...

it says, to the whole world,
listen, i know god. i know what he intends for us, and
this isn't it. but instead of letting our creator work
through me, i'm just going to relax--lie low for a while.
this fallen world is good enough for me right now...

and that's a whole lot to say without saying or doing anything.

in class last week, my professor asked how absurdist literature
affects its audience. i said that it caused me to notice the
things around me--
talking without saying anything
saying a million inaccurate things with our actions
sexual violence
alcoholism
addiction
poverty
disease
broken hearts--
not to be numb to them anymore,
not to be stuck in a constant state of,
there's better, but who cares?
it's not like i can do anything about it.
and i'd say that awareness--
that realization that we act like this is normal,
this is just how things are,
though that's clearly so wrong--
that's our first step out of apathy.

my professor challenged me though.
don't you think that is idealistic?
i told her that i don't
i don't think wanting a world where a girl can
go out on a weekend without fearing she'll be
raped is idealistic. i don't think wishing that it
wasn't viewed as "just how the world is
and that's that" is idealistic.
she made some sort of noise to acknowledge
she heard my response, but them moved on.

now i',m well aware that the world won't be free
from the grips of those things until jesus comes again,
but that doesn't make it idealistic to want
to see our friends, our halls, our classmates,
complete strangers get to live free from this grip now.

and that's a call to action for us.
a call to pray for god to open our eyes to
the world around us, to break our hearts
in the same way that his breaks for this world.
a call to pray for god to work through us,
filling us with willingness
and obedience to him.
a call for us to answer that
boldly and urgently.
a call for us to reflect in our actions that
deep in our hearts,
we have the spirit dwelling.
we have the key that unlocks the chains.

we get to spend each day living with the almighty,
overwhelmingly beautiful God who gives us freedom from it all.

and that's nothing to be apathetic about.

you should see the stars tonight.

He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.
Psalm 147:4-5

i hate taking my dog outside to go to the bathroom.
i admit it, i hate it. lucky, i love you, but can't
you be potty-trained? can't we install a doggie door?
something?

and i tell you that, because God sent me a whale today.
he sent me a huge, amazing whale in the form of a sky
full of stars, not a cloud in the way. and i wouldn't
have seen those stars if i didn't have to take lucky
outside to do her thing.

so i sat outside. i laid down on the patio swing
and just marveled at them, and for the first time in
a long time, my mind just cleared. it stopped buzzing with
the constant reminders...

"Liz, you've got to babysit tomorrow."
"Liz, you messed up yesterday,
and you still feel crappy about it."
"Liz, school starts in 2 weeks."

all of that stopped...

...and the stars came into focus.

"He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name" (v.4)

God could have skipped stars.
he could have put them all at the same distance from the earth--
an easy, single location explainable by one of his neat
and orderly laws of nature--smaller bits of one great thing.

instead, he spread them throughout the vast cosmos he created.
he numbered them, he named them--
he placed them for us to enjoy,
to light our way, to explode, to expand,
to get smaller, and even to disappear.
they're little reminders of a huge and beautiful past,
interwoven with our tumultuous present
and the times to come, all written by a
loving, dedicated, and painstakingly intricate Author.


Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit. (v. 5)

Every single act of God is an act of love--
a pure and beautiful gift meant to bring
his people happiness, and delight, and TO HIM.
Someone saw those same stars, and fell in love
with God--researched and studied the intricacies
of the universe God created and realized the divine
power of our loving creator.

tonight, God used those stars to remind me that
he knows my past. he's here in the present,
in my presence. and he's

got a future, a blessed future planned for me,

as plain as the stars.

really, you should see the stars tonight.

self-control and seeking forgiveness.

The message series my church at home
has been working through is on the book
of Romans--taking it pretty much chapter
by chapter, and supplementing it when it
makes sense to do so.

We've been in the middle of a 3-message
Walking with the Spirit series-within-a-series,
and today in particular was part three of that,
in relation to Romans 8 and Galatians 5&6...
and what is Galatians 5 without a little reminder
on everybody's favorite fruit salad.

But the fruit of the Spirit is
love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness
and self-control.

Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23

Back to that in a sec.

PJ (Pastor Jeff for the 1 or 2 of you
who read this from the Buck)
talked about sowing to the Spirit.
About the seeds of spiritual growth
we plant in our lives when we finally
succumb to God's planting the desire
in our hearts. About how when we don't sow
those seeds, we won't reap the fruits
of the Spirit in our lives.

Lately I've been angry.
Really angry.
Unjustifiably angry.
At just about everything.
I've been hurting.
And I'll be fine in the moments when I'm distracted,
but when I'm not,
when I try to fall asleep,
or when I'm driving without music on,
or trying to stay awake til I wait for the parents
of the girls I sit for to come home...
I start hurting and I get angry and I didn't know why.

And I've been fighting with my mom a whole lot, too.
All that anger and hurt that is filling my heart lately,
I keep throwing it at her because I know she'll take it.
I know she won't give up on me.

And I'll just say whatever. Whatever comes to mind.
And I can see how much I'm hurting her,
but I can't stop. I can't control myself.
Looks like my fruits of the spirit are getting pretty wilted.

And right now, even thought I've apologized
again for doing the same thing to her yet another time,
the shame I feel after I fight with her is filling
my throat and eyes and nose
with those crappy crying feelings.

That's my mom, who gave me life,
and protection, and love, and clothes, and schooling,
and countless other things--

And I treat her this way.

And God too.
That's my Father, who gave me life,
and protection, and love,
and his son, so that my outbursts, unjustified anger,
acts of hate and maliciousness,
my sins could be paid for--

And I treat him this way too.

This week is gonna be the start of the turn around.
I've promised God that every day this week,
I'm gonna spend time with him,
in his word, in prayer, inviting him into my life again in a real way.

And that begins with praying for my mama.
Sorry, mom. Love you more than you know..

God's a better author.

i came across a tweet from kevin roose
(author of the unlikely disciple) about
a relatively prominent theologian who
was recently outed for embellishing his
past and his testimony.

who it was isn't important,
but the message behind it is.

i think this is just another example
of we, as fallen humans, being completely
unsatisfied with God's authority--
or at the very least, doubting it.

God wrote us all amazing and beautiful lives--
with better plots, conflicts, characters, resolutions, etc,
than we could ever write ourselves.

sure, of course, there are things in my past
i am ashamed of. there are things in my more
recent past as someone trying to live for Jesus
that i am ashamed of too. (i guess now would be
an appropriate time to apologize to dining services
for the candy i eat while waiting in line to
weigh and pay--sorry.)

but in all seriousness,
those things we are really and truly ashamed of,
those things we want to "write out,"
God's got a completely beautiful reason for why
we fell there.

and those things we feel like are okay, but would be
more "testimonial" if we amplified them a little bit,
God's got big things planned in our lives
that will completely dwarf them in comparison.

God existed before time, and wrote that.
he transcribed the time line we show up on for an
infinitesimally insignificant amount of time,
but filled our lives with significance.

He drew the earth, and the stars, and flowers, and mankind.

and if you need His credibility within the discipline of writing,
He wrote the best selling book.
of any book.
of all time.
ever.

bottom line,
God's a much better author than we are.
Let Him do His thing.

i don't want you to think i don't love you.

i don't want You to think i don't love You.

i know--

some days i forget about You.
i kid myself.
i push You out of my mind.

some days i put everything before You.
i reason it out--
You'll always be there.
You can wait.

some days i ignore You.
i let the noise drown out Your voice.

some days i see You, but go the other way.
i see You hungry,
or tired,
or lonely,
but focus on me instead.

some days i invite You in, then run away from You.
i flee from You,
i get distracted,
i hide.

some days i decide i know better, that i need to be in control.
i don't trust You,
or Your sovereignty,
or Your faithfulness.

some days i blatantly and knowingly disobey You.
i am weak,
broken,
fallen.


but i really do love You.
i can't ignore You.
i can't fight You.
i don't want to.

i'm giving up on that, Father.
i'm done trying to take matters into my own hands.

just take me into Yours.

having said that,...the re-edited version.

now, i try pretty hard from
keeping this blog from being
an outlet for my grievances
or whinefest 2010.

however, something's been
bugging me lately,
and i guess i'm looking for
some advice.

it hurts being underestimated.
or perhaps being counted as illegitimate.

i think this is most prevalent in
terms of my walk with Jesus.
i am, to use some adorable
and popular terminology,
a baby christian.
well, i guess i could call myself
a toddler christian at this point,
as i'm nearing the 2-year mark,
but i digress.

point of all of this is that
once people know that living for
Jesus is kind of new for me,
i sometimes get the vibe that i need to prove
myself as a "true" or "worthy"
or "dedicated" christian--
and that is not only frustrating,
but actually really hurtful.
and it doesn't make me want to prove myself either.
it makes me shut down,
retreat to inside myself,
and doubt the confidence that jesus has in me.

and i guess there's a reason
why paul's life and letters
are so important to me,
why i feel a sense of companionship
with a jesus-lover from 2000 years ago.

i think sometimes we lose sight of the fact
that paul wasn't born a christian. did not happen.
and how much change did paul affect?
how many people did paul touch with the gospel?
how huge was paul's impact on the early church?

and i know i'm not paul.
but i am trying to live my life for Jesus,
i'm still on fire from God's grace that
fell on me 2 yrs ago,
and i'm doing my best to learn more
about my God,
and to let Him work through me.

and i'm looking for help.
now, i'm not looking for advice on
how to make people take me seriously
as a christian. that's not what i'm asking for,
that's not what this is about.

i'm looking for, i guess, affirmation
that people understand what i mean,
that it's legitimate that i feel this way.

and from God,
i think i'm looking for a heart-change.
i don't want this to matter to me.
it's a pride issue, and actually,
i need to keep in mind that regardless
of what people think--
whether people think i am a "good" christian,
or just a baby, that if God's will is my purpose,
then God will still be glorified.

to God be the glory.

above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it, part 3

Above all else,
guard your heart,
for everything you
do flows from it.
(Prov. 4:23, TNIV)

3. to unveil beauty.

just in case the desire to be romanced,
and the want to be irreplaceable
in the midst of a great adventure
weren't tough enough to address
or try to come to terms with,
i think that personally,
unveiling beauty is the
toughest one for me.

let's backtrack for a second.
think about the last sunset you've seen.
or think about the last time you've been to the beach.
even picture the prettiest meadow
from the best dream you've ever had.

God's creation is an obvious display of beauty
and it's resourcefulness just makes it more beautiful.
God has a heart for beauty.
He spent 6 days of the
first week of time creating the natural world,
and animals, and man,
and GOD in His infinite PERFECTION
realized it was missing something

....woman.

eve was created to fill that irreplaceable
need for companionship, and relationship,
and beauty in the world.
and God created woman
not just beautifulon the outside,
but her entire essence is of beauty,
the beauty of God,
fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps. 139:14)

and then sin happened. and now,
how often does the world
force us to compare ourselves to
the other girls and women around us?
how often does satan convince us
we're not skinny enough, or tall enough,
or tan enough, or 'fill-anything-in-here' enough?

and in case that isn't enough,
what about feeling ugly on the inside too?
feeling like our hang ups,
and mess ups,
and the things we're most ashamed of,
are so ugly that we can't possibly
be forgiven,
or have any beauty in the inside either.

but then grace stepped in.
then Jesus spread his arms wide enough
to cover the sin of each of us,
with enough room left over to hold us tight
when we don't feel pretty enough or good enough.

and in doing that, Jesus proved that,
He's bigger than anything this world has to offer--
bigger than the standards society sets,
and bigger than the guilt we let sin force us to feel.

And like I said before,
God's creation is beautiful.
He's unveiled His beauty in creation,
and crowed it in eve.
because of our hearts for relationships,
and our desires to be irreplaceable,
we have God's beauty deep in our hearts as well,
entirely ready and wanting to be revealed--

and that is a beautiful thing.

listen to phil wickam's "you're beautiful,"
and if you need a reminder that God's creation--
and that we, as women, are part of that--
check out this video ... www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGlTzH9xkXQ