home

i've been focused and intent on
home for a while now--a month, at least,
and i've been harrassed (in the best way)
by my friends to post again.

the semester ends for me in a few days.
in a few days i'll pack dufflebags of my own
things to tide me over for a month.
in a few days I'll strip my bed, turn off the refrigerator,
and put my life at bucknell on pause.
in a few days i'll say physically unemotional goodbyes
to the people i love here, some i won't see for a month,
some for seven or so, because i find goodbyes so uncomfortable
that i shut down and want them over as quickly as possible.
in a few days, i'll head home.

but as i was walking back from downhill
just before i started this post, and trying to talk to god
through the frigid chills brought on by winter creeping in,
i realized that home is something more than the physical space
i'll occupy for the next month. i'm not sure that the place
i say i'm looking forward to so badly isn't just me outsourcing
what i'm actually looking for.

what i think i'm getting at more than anything is that
i don't think the concept of home is tanagible--
and before you stop reading because you're
not in the mood for cliches, give it a chance--
i'm not going to say "home is where the heart is"
or quote a billy joel song or anything of the sort.

tonight, harris 4 felt like home.
putting together christmas gifts and singing,
and talking and praying with
my friends while it felt the rest of the world
was emotionally miles and miles away--
when it felt like everyone else was too busy to
talk or to figure out anything deeper than what
they see dancing on the surface,
when it felt like it has, like the business of finals
and the noise of the world was loud enough to prevent
any sort of intertwined, lasting bond between people and
even with god--the peace of home settled in.

the type of peace that made walking back to my
dorm room in the freezing cold worth it.
the type of peace that finally broke the frustration
i've had with god the past few weeks, because it
made him so visible and active to me

and i guess in a way i have that in the town i call home as well.
but i also see a huge disparity between who i am at school and
who i am at home. at home i feel dulled and muted--
and i don't know why or how to change that.
perhaps it stems from whom i feel people expect me to be,
from needing to live up to how and who i used to be,
or maybe from feelings of unfamiliarity that have
creeped into the places i return to expecting to feel
comfortable, because i am absent for so long.
and admittedly there are people that break through that,
but on the whole the feelings i'm referring to
as this concept of peace of home are a lot less present
in hazleton than at bucknell.

i think that enganging in ever-present,
constantly maturing fellowship has
a lot to do with that, the beauty of god-centered
relationships with the people you encounter the most--
for god's glory.

but that is a topic for my next post.