now, i try pretty hard from
keeping this blog from being
an outlet for my grievances
or whinefest 2010.
however, something's been
bugging me lately,
and i guess i'm looking for
some advice.
it hurts being underestimated.
or perhaps being counted as illegitimate.
i think this is most prevalent in
terms of my walk with Jesus.
i am, to use some adorable
and popular terminology,
a baby christian.
well, i guess i could call myself
a toddler christian at this point,
as i'm nearing the 2-year mark,
but i digress.
point of all of this is that
once people know that living for
Jesus is kind of new for me,
i sometimes get the vibe that i need to prove
myself as a "true" or "worthy"
or "dedicated" christian--
and that is not only frustrating,
but actually really hurtful.
and it doesn't make me want to prove myself either.
it makes me shut down,
retreat to inside myself,
and doubt the confidence that jesus has in me.
and i guess there's a reason
why paul's life and letters
are so important to me,
why i feel a sense of companionship
with a jesus-lover from 2000 years ago.
i think sometimes we lose sight of the fact
that paul wasn't born a christian. did not happen.
and how much change did paul affect?
how many people did paul touch with the gospel?
how huge was paul's impact on the early church?
and i know i'm not paul.
but i am trying to live my life for Jesus,
i'm still on fire from God's grace that
fell on me 2 yrs ago,
and i'm doing my best to learn more
about my God,
and to let Him work through me.
and i'm looking for help.
now, i'm not looking for advice on
how to make people take me seriously
as a christian. that's not what i'm asking for,
that's not what this is about.
i'm looking for, i guess, affirmation
that people understand what i mean,
that it's legitimate that i feel this way.
and from God,
i think i'm looking for a heart-change.
i don't want this to matter to me.
it's a pride issue, and actually,
i need to keep in mind that regardless
of what people think--
whether people think i am a "good" christian,
or just a baby, that if God's will is my purpose,
then God will still be glorified.
to God be the glory.
Liz, I'm also a baby Christian, nearing the one-and-a-half year mark. And praise the Lord for our transformations! Can I get an amen?
ReplyDeleteBut actually, I can see how that would be really hurtful, especially coming from Christians, a group where you expect to fit in and belong.
The only time I've experienced anything like what you're talking about is at Fall Retreat. You and I were in the Awkward Conversation track and we played that Scripture game. We both felt like useless noobs with no knowledge of the Old Testament. It wasn't fun.
Sometimes, I wish I knew more Scripture or was at a further point in my walk with Christ, like some around me. However, we should rejoice in what God has done for us in the last few years -- how far God has brought us! And also, rejoice in what God is currently doing in each of us -- how He's shaping and teaching us every day, all the things He's going to do through us!
Can it any more exciting?
I meant Fall Impact.
ReplyDeleteliz, i want you to know that i honestly dont ever think it is important the years a person has in following God. i loved that you cited paul in your post because if you compare him next to someone like a pharisee who was supposed to be following God his whole life you get a pretty good picture of how years dont matter. its not the quantity of time, but the quality.
ReplyDeleteand i think its cool that you still count yourself young in your faith and i hope you continue to do that forever. i want to always look at God and think i am so young in knowing Him. ya know? because the minute i think i know a lot about him is the minute my pride gets too much of me.
so dont underestimate yourself. i have learned so much from you since i have known you and it would be a shame if you walked around thinking you didn't have something to teach ever single person (christian, young and old, and non-christians) that you come in contact with. because you do. you are such a bright light. trust that.
so basically... tell satan to shut it. and listen to God affirming your walk with Christ. because it is a beautiful one no matter how long it has been.
haha liz, I'm being a total creeper, but I really think that any one who looks down on you for being new (not even all that new- 2 years is getting there) in Christ is being a bit self-important. You have something amazing- a fresh relationship with God. You're at the point where there is so much to learn and so much growing to do, and God is a new (relatively) and wonderful thing. Older Christians lose that. God becomes habit and less exciting. What you may lack in experience and academic knowledge you make up for much more in your passion and excitement for God. God wants you to be excited and seek him. What you don't know He can supply for you. Seriously, if it was really important that you know some particular Bible verse, you have the holy spirit to come through for ya.
ReplyDeleteBe glad in your new relationship (although 2 years is pretty decent). Older Christians are probably jealous.
poop
ReplyDelete