self-control and seeking forgiveness.

The message series my church at home
has been working through is on the book
of Romans--taking it pretty much chapter
by chapter, and supplementing it when it
makes sense to do so.

We've been in the middle of a 3-message
Walking with the Spirit series-within-a-series,
and today in particular was part three of that,
in relation to Romans 8 and Galatians 5&6...
and what is Galatians 5 without a little reminder
on everybody's favorite fruit salad.

But the fruit of the Spirit is
love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness
and self-control.

Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23

Back to that in a sec.

PJ (Pastor Jeff for the 1 or 2 of you
who read this from the Buck)
talked about sowing to the Spirit.
About the seeds of spiritual growth
we plant in our lives when we finally
succumb to God's planting the desire
in our hearts. About how when we don't sow
those seeds, we won't reap the fruits
of the Spirit in our lives.

Lately I've been angry.
Really angry.
Unjustifiably angry.
At just about everything.
I've been hurting.
And I'll be fine in the moments when I'm distracted,
but when I'm not,
when I try to fall asleep,
or when I'm driving without music on,
or trying to stay awake til I wait for the parents
of the girls I sit for to come home...
I start hurting and I get angry and I didn't know why.

And I've been fighting with my mom a whole lot, too.
All that anger and hurt that is filling my heart lately,
I keep throwing it at her because I know she'll take it.
I know she won't give up on me.

And I'll just say whatever. Whatever comes to mind.
And I can see how much I'm hurting her,
but I can't stop. I can't control myself.
Looks like my fruits of the spirit are getting pretty wilted.

And right now, even thought I've apologized
again for doing the same thing to her yet another time,
the shame I feel after I fight with her is filling
my throat and eyes and nose
with those crappy crying feelings.

That's my mom, who gave me life,
and protection, and love, and clothes, and schooling,
and countless other things--

And I treat her this way.

And God too.
That's my Father, who gave me life,
and protection, and love,
and his son, so that my outbursts, unjustified anger,
acts of hate and maliciousness,
my sins could be paid for--

And I treat him this way too.

This week is gonna be the start of the turn around.
I've promised God that every day this week,
I'm gonna spend time with him,
in his word, in prayer, inviting him into my life again in a real way.

And that begins with praying for my mama.
Sorry, mom. Love you more than you know..